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Darkness in my veins
05 January 2004 @ 07:02 am
Funeral day today.

Force give me strength.
Current Mood: draineddrained
Darkness in my veins
27 June 2003 @ 10:04 pm
I'd post about shit here, but I have so many things on my mind that I don't know where to start and it would be a big, rambling, fucked up mess. So why bother.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Darkness in my veins
12 February 2003 @ 11:16 am
I'm tired. Nothing new there. But I'm growing exceptionally weary of obstacles standing the way of my self-improvement.

Case in point, the resume I was going to get ready this week for the Mainlander job. Right. Shouldn't have really hung my aspirations on doing that, because I always get fucked when I do. Yesterday, I was informed by Dennis that I would have to attend a three day workshop/class at the downtown Oregonian to learn the new route resequencing computer programs. Figures.

So I'm going to be working overtime for the rest of this week (starts today). By the time I get my ass home, feed dad, and take a shower, I'll have a grand total of five hours to get my ass in bed before going out on the route. Doesn't exactly give me a lot of time to research and work on a resume. And next week, Dennis wants me to resequence all the routes with my newfound knowledge, which once again fucks with my desire to work on the new resume.

Heather claims that I should be okay if I can work on it this weekend, but how fucking lame is this resume going to be if I'm exhausted and not sure where to start. Most of the past work history is non-existent (lost in multiple moves) and I'm not sure how to go about researching where these companies are now. It sounds like more than two days worth of work to me... and H says that my resume should be in no later than Tuesday of next week in order to be considered for any position.

In short, I'm screwed. I fucking hate this. I'm about one step from throwing the biggest motherfucking tantrum on the planet. There's too much to do and not enough goddamn time to do it all. If I don't go to the workshop and do my job duties, I get fired. If I don't find the time to work on the resume, I lose a chance at a better job. There's no middle ground. I'm screwed either way, and I really resent it.

Oh, and note to self: I know you're depressed about things, but maybe think about changing your clothes. You've been wearing the same fucking thing since last Friday. Seriously, dude. Loser much?
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: "Times Like These" -- Foo Fighters
Darkness in my veins
20 July 2002 @ 01:40 pm
I have actually been toying with the idea of another LiveJournal for about three or four months now. It was only when another friend of mine on LJ took the plunge and created her new journal that I followed like the lemming that I did -- and took my first step off the cliff.

Why did I want another LJ? Specifically, due to my depression. It seems that more and more often, my other LJ (with a small friends list) is being glutted with more private posts than friends only or public posts. In short, I feel guilty. In those private posts, I am the epitome of insecurity, and I didn't feel the need to burden my LJ friends with that bullshit.

I have been fighting serious depression for over a year now, probably longer than that. I merely chose to recognize my symptoms as depression a year ago. You'll find that I'm quite adept at denial. Some days are better than others. Today I appear to be functional. Tomorrow I could be so numb and resigned that all I want to do is take sleeping pills and sleep all day. The day after that, I could feel like leaping off a ten-story building. I swing all over the place. I should probably see a doctor about my depression, but I lack medical benefits... and living in the wondrous United States, you just don't get far without medical benefits. It's something that I have sadly gotten used to.

So I created Soft_Red_Clouds with the idea of being able to bear my soul without the benefit of my LJ friends looking in and finding out that I'm probably one sandwich short of a picnic on a good day. If I'm feeling particularly brave (or particularly stupid), I might let a trusted friend or two into the dark inner workings of my confused mind... but I certainly don't want them worrying about me. So I'll have to think that part over a bit.

Another reason I created Soft_Red was due to my undying love of film. I adore film of any sort. Good film, bad film. Old film, new film. Foreign film, wretchedly dubbed film. In the last few years, I have been mildly chagrined by my inability to find time just to sit down and watch movies. So I've decided that perhaps this LJ might light the fire under my ass to get back in the film game. When I see a film -- whether it be old or new, whether it's a brand new viewing or a film I've seen over and over -- I intend to note them all here, if I can.

Since I am writing this journal solely for myself, I see no desire to make my future posts public. So the journal is going into friends only lockdown after this initial post. If you happen to be browsing around and happenstance on this little dark corner of hell and are still intrigued enough to hear what I have to say, please contact me and I'll eventually add you. But be warned. I do not plan to pull any punches. I am brutally honest. The depression can make me terribly self-abusive. I swear like a Corellian freighter pilot on glitterstim. I don't plan to repress anything, if I can help it. Because freedom from repression is what I'm hoping to gain here.

Adieu. I have a cliff waiting with my name on it.
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: "Waiting" - Green Day